A love particle
Love. I’m not sure what it is exactly when it comes to love in between two people. I know that I am capable of loving myself. I know I haven’t been loved in a healthy way by my parents. I only recently learned what kind of transaction my relationship with my mother was and how it shaped my relationship with everything else in life. I don’t know if I truly love anyone the healthy way in my life right now. I do feel compassionate towards the people close to me just as I learnt to be compassionate towards myself once realising the surviving mechanisms underlying my coming to this world and so the much harsher loses of person-hood my parents and their parents had to live through, being the first and second post war generations in Poland. So, love is quite new to me in terms of understanding its possibility of being unconditional as opposed to transactional ways of attachment which for most of my life I mistaken for love.
It is my one and favourite question to keep asking myself these days – “What if I fully and unconditionally loved myself?”, always opening room at least in my head of possibilities in my life just by asking it. However, it is not easy and natural being loving towards myself despite the action seeming so simple and powerful as if it can lift all self-perpetrating behaviours at once. But, it is a start and I truly believe that love is always there, within us like being our natural capacity - a love particle - I like to call it. And even though I was brought up by traumatised parents and learnt the exact opposite of love as a foundation for the relationship I have with myself, I believe in love.
So, love is new. Love is yet to grow.
Love is my goal.