I’m starting a blog

It’s been almost a year since I graduated from university and many things happened during that time, not so much in my outside world but within, which made this time very challenging and tough. No, I did not follow up on my creative career plan like I believed I would. Neither I was able to secure for myself a financial income, expect for few temporary jobs of administrative nature. Yes, the whole foundation of my identity broke down, bringing to the surface some very heavy unresolved and deeply suppressed inner issues that are yet to be fully processed and healed. But, here I am, starting a blog on the same day I spent hours on endless online job search which never turns out fruitful for me and annoy me to my very core, because I truly don’t want to be doing the jobs I’m applying for and the only thing I’m sort of looking forward to but am not sure about and perhaps afraid, is my own creative business of some sort. I truly don’t know who I fully am and I really don’t know what I want in life at this moment. The fact that I planned for myself a very ambitious and proactive schedule for when I finished uni makes me laugh. I was very certain at that time about my direction or at least I wanted myself to believe that, but as the year unfolded, all the pillars of my being turned out to be specifically unprogrammed for the idea of success I had for myself and which also dissolved since. And just to make things clear, I was trying to achieve the things I planned. This wasn’t a year of doing nothing. But, just as my old ways of being and doing things showed their true coping not living nature, I realized that all my efforts were sadly wasted  through a fear/shame/need to be loved inspired cycle that never got me anywhere in particular but was polished and repeated my whole life, really. Breaking that pattern is not as easy as I would want it to be. Here I was today, applying for jobs out of fear and at the same time not wanting them (that combination usually means writing custom cover letters just to be rejected later – because some part of me obviously resist getting that job). And most of all looking at all the opportunities available out there and not being able to decide what I want means that my energy travels everywhere and nowhere. But just as I felt the frustrating pointlessness of my action today, I got up from my chair and lots of voices filled up my head and in all the noise one of them said to write a blog; an idea I heard once before and even acted on it in a form of few instagram posts, but just as I wrote and posted some content back then I experienced an identity shift that I couldn’t bear to show, because again, I had a very specific idea about who I was and what the blog should be. So, that didn’t last long. But now I’m on it again, expect this time I am able to openly say and own it that I don’t know who I am and that I am very confused and have no idea whatsoever where I am going with this blog. It is so a new terrain for me and I have no expectations of myself but to allow free self-expression, even though, I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel whole in a way I always expected myself to feel before being able to run a creative practice, to run my own business. I imagined and wanted myself to be this strong woman with a clear message and skill and amazing confidence, but I am not yet that woman – only a confused soul who is about to post her first blog post. Feeling vulnerable right now but that feeling is the only real thing in my life. So, into the unknown we go if you here wanting to join me and keep checking out this blog. I will be going out of my comfort zone to write regularly on whatever comes.

                                                                                Jagoda 

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